so im supposed to be cleaning my room.. and getting ready for my cousins bday but meh
a lot of things on my mind

first of all..
i always wonder why im so insecure..
why i always have to know where you are
who you're with
what you're doing..
its not healthy for me.. is it?
i've always been the jealous type.. the insecure type..
i should trust you entirely.. after all these years, it should just come naturally
but it seems that im getting worse.. is it because im too attached and can't bear to lose you now?
i find myself latching onto you too much.. i can't even go a day without seeing you anymore

and i find myself always thinking about that particular situation.. you've never been the type to check out other girls, and to find out that this one particular girl caught your eye, it really got to me
and what's worse is that you pretend it never happened but i saw it.. i saw and witnessed it with my own eyes. Why lie for? it makes me more suspicious.

i know nothing happened.. i know it was probably just harmless flirting and that all guys check out girls, but i didn't expect this from you. i never thought you could have done that to me, and i can't let it go.. no matter how many times we talk about it. it just replays over and over in my head and it drives me crazy

sigh.. i blow things way out of proportion.. is that even the saying??

anyways, next!
jason chhit..
my ex best friend..
you are the only person tuan has ever been jealous/threatened of
so i stayed away from you.. to protect my relationship
i threw away our friendship, but then again.. so did you
then we didnt talk for years
and it was always so awkward when we met.. never said hi, never made eye contact
then i was just sick of all the fighting, we were such good friends and it was so silly to throw away what we had over stupid arguments

then i remember the night.. where we started talking again,
and i realised you missed the old days as well, you missed our friendship as well
cos nowadays.. while i still have some good friends, most of the others belong to another group
and its like i have no group of my own.. like i don't belong anywhere
my dilemma is..
we started hanging out,
but you kept calling me.. everyday..
and i saw how your life was.. you gave priority to your friends over your girlfriend.. and thats just not how my life is.
while i missed our group.. and our friendship, most of my time is spent with my boyfriend.
and i know your one to call up and expect me to be there within 5 minutes, but im just not used to that anymore.. especially seeing as though our groups now don't get along, so i have to stray away from everyone i'm now comfortable with to come into your group..

it would be so much easier if everyone got along.
i dont know what i want anymore
just a million different things going through my head
and another thing is
how i don't even see my high-school best friends anymore
why is that???
well i know why i dont see anita anymore..
but why i dont see tammy anymore is beyond me
sure, work, uni etc..
but i need to make more time for my friends
i need to stop being so attached and let go, and get out..

im jealous of how guys just call each other up and plan something so spontaneously, whereas girls need to plan in advance.. why can't we ever do that
how can things even change?
its been too long that i've been stuck here i don't know how to get out :(